I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest