I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Accurate
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist