I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Catercrombie & Fish
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.