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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Just a friendly reminder!
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Brands during Pride
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.