I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
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Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy