I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Why is everyone getting married at me
“We will wed,” I threatened
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
two people or more is called a problem
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
satan: not today, microsoft teams
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
*limbos away from your hug*
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it