You Might Also Like
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
get you a girl who
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday