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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
i wish all
whales
a very
big
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.