According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
When they try to steal your moment.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order