Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Good morning, Twitter 😊
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts