And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”