And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
You Might Also Like
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls