Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”