Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
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Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did