My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
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Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
next level snooze
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.