What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done