It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”