It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
With this onion ring, I thee fed
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed