Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
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I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Every. Damn. Time.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*