“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
![]()
You Might Also Like
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
![]()
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I’m about to risk it all
![]()
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
![]()
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Lmao 🤣
![]()
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.