“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.