Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
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“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil