The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
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People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
look at me when i’m typing to you