People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks