Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up