Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
got so much cardio in today
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
the simulation is moving too fast
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
God has abandoned us.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.