You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
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I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*