my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
White Castle for the Win
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
(2022)
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part