I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.