“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Succinctly put.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player