I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon![]()
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Dudes named Chance never had one.