I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
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I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My purse is deeper than some people.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat