i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.