@MyPornKhan

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

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@CoatCzech

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

@3sunzzz

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

@ChrissieM10

Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.

@MelvinofYork

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@tfcarter09

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

@RodLacroix

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.