I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

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Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.


M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon


H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.


Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.


FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*


if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed


I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.