@CoatCzech Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
@MyPornKhan I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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@CoatCzech 
@tarashoe that wasn’t the question
@jordan_stratton “I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
@3sunzzz M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
@ChrissieM10 Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
@MelvinofYork FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
@TheBoydP Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
@morethanMI5 My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
@tfcarter09 if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
@RodLacroix I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.