I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
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The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.