Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
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I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
OMG 🤣🤣
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Cndnsd Mlk
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.