i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She