Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
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What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.