Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it