Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.