Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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Midwest trash talk
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one