Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here