The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
How about daylight saves us for once
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
*ernest hemingway voice*
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.