her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Children of the corn 🌽
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.