Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
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3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
i hope my email finds you on fire
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.