Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
for all #parents out there
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL