Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
You wish you had this many chins.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls