Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
who did the taste test?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something