Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.