My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
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Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Oceanography is all about current events
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
This was a bad idea all around
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?