Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day