I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.