Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
You Might Also Like
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Nice try, poison.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?