Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
He died doing what he loved: being alive
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.