Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.