I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*![]()
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone