Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”