Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle

Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.